How to become Rajnikanth !!

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HOW TO BECOME RAJNIKAnTH !

by Shashiraj Singh on Monday, August 29, 2011 at 9:10pm

So many SHOUT OUTS that people cannot go about their daily work without reading a note ! So here is the latest addition !

By the recent poll, the masses (if u can call 50 people a mass..ok lol) would prefer a note on how to become Rajnikanth ! At first I thought, is it even possible? With so many 'facts' about his invincibility and awesomeness, does anyone really stand a chance to be a Rajnikanth?

But after a long thought over the matter (roughly 2 minutes) I came to the conclusion that "Yes, maybe there is a chance".

Before we begin with the steps, there is, as always, something serious that i would want to write about the great man. Stardom aside, that man is a gem. A down to earth celebrity. A man who does not shy away from his age and looks. Why do is ay that, you ask? Quite simple...The guy is bald ! But does he sport a wig or a toupee, like so many of the other stars do? (Amitabh Bachhan). No ! I guess stardom and celebrity status never got to his head. Which is strange because if people were washing my building sized posters with milk before the release of my note I would turn into one ego filled jackass (maybe).

But Rajnikanth, does none of that !! A genuine man who goes about his life as normally as you and me. Respect for that.

Enough of the mushy stuff ! Lets get to business and rock the cradle of incompetence once again. Though Rajni is anythin but incompetent. The steps to become Rajnikanth are !!!

1. Dress up like a cowboy. It dont matter that its going to be 40 degrees Celsius outside and you will be dripping sweat from places you that usually are used for excretion purposes. Or for that matter the dress code for the town has been lungi and banyan since a thousand years. You gotta look different. There is no way in hell you can be a Rajni and walk around like the common man ! And if someone gives you the smack talk, do some karate you learnt at Kutty's Karate classes and scare him by saying a patent dialogue. The patent dialogue is discussed in the next step.

2. As you are faced with an opposition and you have managed to pin him to the floor with your awesome karate moves thanks to Uncle Kutty, you have to speak your patent dialogue. This dialogue does not have to be meaningful. HELL! It can mean nothing. But its all in the attitude with which it is said. Things like 'yana rascala, mind it' can bring laughs at many comedy shows, but when Rajni says it to his prey, the prey farts so loudly grains of sands change their location. SO !!! make what ever you may !! BUT say it LIKE you mean IT !!

3. Invent a way to put on glasses ! And this should be something that should look cool ! A lot of shoof shaaf shiif sound effects while you are it will help the cause as we all know that while putting on sun glasses they make that kinda noise as they bisect air ! End that movement with a colgate ad like smile. A million girls will have just rasam the following week to get thin for you ! Rasam with rice leads to pot bellys as we all know!

4. Alter your gait as you wander through the streets. The new gait should be like you have a tennis ball in between your thighs and it has spaced out your legs. Rocking your hands back and forth like you don't care is the order of the day. These walk coupled with your hip shades make for a cool dude. More importantly, a Rajni dude.

5. Find a reason to get pissed. This can be someone teasing your sister in the streets or anyones sister for that matter. You just want to get pissed, thats all. A mother's pain through it all just amplifies the whole scenario creating the monster called rajni.

6. Be freakin creative !! Suppose there is a big wall and goon is on top of it. (refer figure 1 below) and you cannot get an angle to shoot the goon. Your sister is on the other side and you have to kill the goon to get across. Throw one of your pistols in the air. Shoot from the other pistol so that the bullet hits the trigger of the pistol thrown up in air, which makes the pistol in air, fire and kill the Goon ! HOW BRILLIANT ARE YOU !!!

7. You may turn 60 and have kids who are married with 3 kids themselves. But you will not give up on your 'jawani' and call it a day. Because Rajni cannot breathe easy until all evil is removed from the world. Flirt with women who have just hit the legal age to sing duets in fields and kiss under vibrating flowers !! Whats the age that man stops being potent, anyone?

There you have it !! The Guide to being Rajnikanth !!! And they say "when God said 'let there be light' rajni said 'say please'". These steps will put you somewhere close to being a powerful being that was supposed to be God but instead became human by mistake !!

DICKLAMER ! I am a big fan of people who have their feet firmly on the floor even after so much success. Which is why i respect Rajni from my dil ! Infact i have noticed that most of the people from down south are really down to earth. Maybe all the nice ones came to the 'Gelf'. But whatever be the case ! Respect to all my southies ! Cheers ! 

If you have been tagged out of the blue..please dont be scared ! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Chilli-Jalebi-Blog/152486048170175 .. i dont bite on negative comments !!!

the MAN !!!

How to become a Anna Hazare

Wow..what times ! The country has finally lifted its voice after 65 years of corruption laden Indian Government rule. That's like 200 years before we realized the British were screwing us. KUDOS !!!


Once in a lifetime, or two, do we get a saint who is willing to put the country before himself and struggle for all eternity to benefit millions others. This begs the question, with a billion of us going about with our daily chores, did we really need an Anna to wake us up? Forget waking up, we knew how corrupt we were since forever, we have just merely stopped being lazy and are doing something about it. The talks that were held at homes about "is desh ka kuch nahi ho sakta" is really out in the open now.

Before i begin, let me voice my opinion against the people who say Anna's way of doing things isnt right, his bill is ridiculous and all that non sense. Screw you. Enough said.

In this note i shall be giving you guide lines on how to become like Anna and get a revolution of sorts started. Let's begin.

1. Gandhi did it, and now Anna has proved yet again that simplicity works best when it comes to attire. Order a set of 20 khaki kurta pajamas from any local tailor who can stitch them in time for your revolutionary act. Bribing him an extra 50 rupees can be controversial and should be avoided because of channels like India TV.

2. While you have given your clothes for stitching, switch on your computer and open MS word. Open a blank document as you obtain Anna Hazare's resume with the help of a search engine. Copy paste his accomplishments on your blank document and change the names of the institutions and similarly, First name and last name.

3. As soon as you take a print out of your resume, open a society for the poor and give them food everyday. You may need a sponsor for such a mass feed.

4. You are like a baboon without a red ass if you are a social activist without a 'mudda'. So, pick up a reason to be pissed and base your selection on public support. For example, you aren't going to get people on the streets protesting for matters like deforestation.

5. Round up some celebrities who have the image of being an epitome of humbleness in the mind of people. Kiran Bedi, Sri Sri Ravishankar have gone after Anna so you need to look for some one else.

6. Celibacy ! Yea i know. What the f ? Right? But you have to do this to show your dedication to the masses. Indians hold family (and the process of giving rise to family) very dear. So, to see someone give up on the process is very unusual and exciting. Result, full support.

7. GO TO JAIL !!! The final step. Once some one goes to jail for the sake of the country he suddenly becomes this super hero. Struggle is something all Indians relate to. But those struggles are all personal. To see some one struggling for his mother land gives rise to this beast in everyone who hears about it. They be all like "What the Pagh".

There you have it, 7 simple rules to turn your life around and become a page or chapter in the history books of this country. But you have to know that the country has at least a 100 volume set of 1000 page books on heroes. So you better do something unique apart from these basic guidelines to be more successful.

DICKLAMER - None this time. Seems about right.

The airhostess Hassle

Guys have always been suckers for good looking damsels. A fact known to the hotest of women who make use of this very fact and sap up all the goodness out of men. Sad, really sad.

BUT

Coming to the topic at hand........................ !!!!  AIR INDIA EXPRESS !!! It has to be the worst thing flying in air after Afghan air (if they can still afford that thing called fuel).

We (i speak for the guys) have checked all our airhostesses and remember the best ones name as well (Gurpreet). This act of checking women and rating them is independent of the age, relation status and race of men. We all share this awesome bond with all the men in the world. And sadly, that is the only bond we have with them, unless you aren't straight.
The kind of effect women have on men is unnerving. It actually has the power to shatter the two attributes that men hold dear, that of a decision maker and self esteem. Very appropriately said "women can stop wars". . SADLY !!! They werent refering to the zombies on board Air India Express.

This straight from personal experience !

When you sit on that seat (or manage to squeeze your butt cheeks in there) the pilot starts speaking in the most weirdeset of Indian accents. It is scary as well because u feel he is going to bed rather than focused on flying the 1970 aircraft that has a loose side wing. After he is done welcoming you, 2 hound dogs (3 if ur lucky) come out of the drapes. They smell of 2 month old milk and are dressed in a saree that cannot conceal tummies and reminds you that WWE once had Yokuzuna. They look around at the passengers asking them to tie their seat belts.

OH WAIT ! thats the air hostess.

The Food-wow !!! It was the yuckiest meal by any airliner. I have travelled by syrain air (ranked among the lesser airliners) and dere food was sumthing I will never forget as it was just to nice. But AI express has the worst tasting food possible.

Mine was a 11 hour flight. stale hard bread, soggy samosa, out of cup-cup cakes were thrown on my food tray after which I was ordered to open it, by the most rudest of liscenced snubbers !!

But luckily we have the beer king of India to take care of all that. The government does what it always does. Make a mockery out of itself. The private airlines leave no room for complaints as the air hostesses, with their coloured blonde hair, narrow waist lines and a smile on your way out that says "wish the flight was longer".


AHH Men ! Once a sucker, always a sucker for women !

How to become a "professional photographer"

The number of photographers were restricted to countable numbers on one hand just a few months ago. The number has risen so alarmingly in my friend list alone it made me wonder if cameras were being sold in Shani Bazaars.

So i have been following these "photographers" with great zeal and curiosity, just coz sleep is soo hard to get at night without anythin to bore you.

I noticed that there isnt much you need to do to become a professional photographer. It is perhaps, the most easiest thing to do. Here are steps to help you become a professional photographer.

1. A trip to the google.com, and search for" best cameras for professionals". DSLR is for babies, you buy the SLR even if you will have no idea on how to operate it for the first 2 days after purchase.

2. On your way back home, after purchasing your new camera, stop your vehicle near some beggars. Hang your new awesome camera around ur neck using the strap. Ask a friend to take a photo of you, takin a photo of the beggars, using his mobile phone.

3. Open Facebook.com and create a new profile under arts with ur name and photographer. (Eg. Shashiraj Singh Photographer). Publish with the profile pic taken in step 2. Your professional life has begun !

4. After you do learn how to use the 10 pound DSLR camera, the next step is to wear appropriate clothing as a photographer. Shorts, with a loose khadi shirt should be perfect. Never wear sports shoes or sandals. Converse isnt the right way to go either. Loafers and semi formals seem to work best.

5. Taking pictures is the easiest part of photography. Simple reasons, any black and white photograph looks great and the sun will look awesome if it were seen behind any structure, through pillars and so on.

6. One of my personal favorites has been the ones in which photographers ask some poor guy on the streets to stand against a wall holding sum random thing in their arms. They click the picture with the poor guy at one end of the screen and the wall covering the remaining part of the picture. An additional awesome bit is to ask him to look sideways.(lol)

7. Dont be worried about things like exposure times, photo shop edits. All you really should be focusing on is black and white and sepia versions of photographs.

I suck at taking pictures and do respect some amazing wrk of art SOME real professionals come up with.Some of my friends are one of them real professionals.

How to make a career doing 'Baba'ism !!

The sudden surge in popularity a few Babas have received in the past few years has made me seriously reconsider my career choice as a biotechnologist. Yoga empire of 11 billion dollars is what our most favorite Baba has amassed. That's just the white money. Couple that with the estimated figure of his black money and you have a figure which puts software billionaires to shame.

India is a country that has been awed by 2 things, miracles and a leader. Do either one thing, amaze the Indian population and watch yourself rise in their eyes as a God sent. Videos of babas hoaxing the crowd with magic tricks has surfed around facebook for quite sometime now. And you see blind believers astonished at the remarkable feat of their gurus cementing the position of a miracle worker in their heads.

I guess its just that the poor and the impoverished look for a rope to climb out of their miseries. Their faith in  God and his extreme powers makes the babas a medium for them to be blessed by the lord himself. So as the babas keep adding zeroes to their bank accounts, the scientifically strong India should learn a thing or two from them to make quick money.

This note will provide you with the guidelines and the procedures to be followed to become a successful baba. Here we go.

1. Order a saffron robe from Calvin Klein. If you are starting a business you need a capital and the right raw materials. So invest !

2. Make up any Yoga positions your body can perform and associate them with a disease's cure. We all know how a certain baba has cured cancer by wiggling his toes or something. How brilliant is THAT !!

3. Pick up a social issue and go on a fast. That creates quite a stir as we have seen recently. The motive of a certain fast a few weeks back was to get the money locked in Swiss banks back in the country. Never mind the billions you have made Mr. Baba. That money is yours.

4. DO NOT donate the billions that you make. Instead ask the government to release funds for the poor. And thus become an idol to the unsuspecting millions.

5. Create a media stir by picking a socially relevant topic. This can range from Sexual preferences of people to move in relationships. That makes your presence felt in the urban India.

6. MAGIC !!! As we have all attended general chemistry laboratories, we have seen chemicals change color. We have been awed by such an event when we first saw it. The unsuspecting under privileged population who could never have the opportunity to see chemical reactions that changed the color of substrates, will absolutely love you.

7. Never raise you voice against turmoil. When address to what actually matters, like the militancy, naxals, terrorists or the fact that the poor need to send their children to school. Instead do 5.

8. Smoke weed when you can. It elevates you to a higher plane of things and you attain a peaceful aura to fulfill point 7.

There you have it ! The general guidelines to become a successful baba. We could do with some new babas today. Remember it isn't as hard as you think it is. We all look at someone to throw us a helping hand. Become that hand for the masses and collect their hard earned money. Hello Mr Billionaire.

NOTE (in a note) - The views expressed in this note is not meant to hurt sentiments. Its a comical way to look at our world. How our lives center around our beliefs. You can love the babas you see on TV and respect him. But, I, for one am really disappointed with peopl ewho have the power to do so much more than just fill their pockets with chillers. I didn't need to put the disclaimer as im in America, the land of free speech and thoughts (kuch bhi!!!). But I am an Indian and want the non facebooking population to understand they they alone can change their lives.

Rocking the cradle of Incompetance

The leap frog in growth that the human race has achieved in the past 20 years is a testament of how each sector of the society is progressing simultaneously. Research and development is at an all time high. Cash pours in to the centers where everyday a new advancement in science is born and promises to have the potential to change our lives. The fact that humans have been on Earth for thousands of years and have now actually fulfilled their true potential is strange.

Being one of the oldest civilizations of the world, India has made innumerable contributions to every field man has studied. The fact that India has based its culture around family values and enlightenment of the mind has contributed immensely to the spread of knowledge. And we still march on with those values embracing it as the only way possible to creep out of the situation the British colonization left us with. It has worked? You can bet your lives on it. The educated bunch that every generation has produced since independence have carried everyone else in the country on their backs towards progress and prosperity. And that has in turn, has instilled the perception in the mind of every Indian that being educated is as important as 3 meals on a table. How those two things are inter connected is also a fact well understood.

But where are we going wrong? Why does the country still look like dirt? Why isn't the progress reflected in our streets? Why, when you travel in Gurgaon, in front of those multi-national companies, you are traveling in a Mercedes on broken roads? Even when we realize the need for getting the under privileged educated, are the children under 15 years working in factories? Why does the foreign media still show poor below poverty families instead of a emerging global power?

There are two sides of this country that has become more distinct given the emergence of modern India. The impoverished and the educated lot. And the present state of things is not at all bridging the gap between the two extremes. Who's responsible? Quite simply, the people who run the country.

Government of India.

The prime Minister, they say, has to confirm his decisions and pass them by some one else before stating them. For a highly educated and competent man, who single-handedly turned around the economy in the early 90's, to pass his thoughts by an English major from Italy is beyond comprehension. If the highest authority of the country has limited power over his actions and what he believes is right, then its is not hard to imagine what the scene is with the others.

The huge stack of treasure found under a temple in south India is NOT going to the poor of the country. In fact, the last of the boxes isn't even going to be opened. For once it was possible to forget the billions locked away in the Swiss banks.

To not have the interest of the people in mind while making the decisions is just cum shot behavior. Far sightedness is not terms we have heard as Indians. 'Juggad' and 'abhi key liye' is more like the things we are interested in. Who is calling the shots? The people calling the shots are the same people we elect every year. So, is this our fault that we elect dimwits every year?

NO !! It isn't. The number of jerks who stand for election are far far more than those who are true and honest. So elect who you may, you are always electing someone with a criminal background. Instead of electing the change we have to be the change. The younger generation needs to step up and join politics. There was a report on NDTV about how the younger generation of politicians have failed India. Which actually puts more concern in our minds over our future. But we pay no heed. How do i know that? How much TRP does NDTV receive and how much of it is received by MTV?